Badges of Either's Woe
by Intrepid Inkweaver
Summary: For a while, she screams. She screams at Alec. She screams at the world. And she screams at herself. And then she collapses into his arms and cries until there's nothing left. He'd known what had to be done, but that didn't mean he'd liked it.


_This fic doesn't have a specific time frame in the show, so no spoilers. I had a really hard time giving it a decent title-titles are important to me-so I ended up browsing through some of Shakespeare's Sonnets because who better to ask than the Bard? It comes from Sonnet XLIV. ~II_

She's not going home. She knows that now. Home doesn't even exist anymore—not as she knew it. And she's angry—because _how _could this be allowed to happen? And she's grief-stricken—because she has a _son. _And she's resigned to her fate—because they made the world a better place.

For a while, she screams. She screams at Alec. She screams at the world. And she screams at herself. And then she collapses into his arms and cries until there's nothing left. He's rubbing gentle circles into he back and his cheek is resting against the top of her head.

He'd known what had to be done, but that didn't mean he'd liked it. He'd been the one to choose to strand her here, and part of him hated himself for it. The other parts told him it had been necessary. She had every right to hate him, but she didn't, and for that he was grateful.

He had stopped denying that he was in love with her long ago. He had also stopped fooling himself into thinking that she'd ever feel the same. He had grown content—if not happy—just to be her friend and he didn't want to think about how it would have felt if she _had _hated him after what he'd had to do.

Her sobs grow quiet and her body stills all but the deep breaths of air that move her chest up and down. She stays there in his embrace for a few moments before slowly pulling away to sit up. It takes a while before she can summon up the willpower to look him in the eyes.

She's struck by how much he's changed. And by how much he's stayed the same. Truly, she's not sure which is more striking, the similarities or the differences. He'd been a pawn in this game just as must as she had.

He looks away first like he's afraid of what her eyes will tell him. There's a part of her that knows why, and that part might even want to prove him right and hate him for stranding her here, for changing—destroying her world. But it's a small part that she would never give into. So she gently grabs his chin and pulls his face up so he can't avoid her eyes.

"Alec, I could _never _hate you," she says in response to what she knows he's wondering. His beautiful eyes widen in surprise, and as though he can't control the reaction, he leans forward and kisses her. Before she can figure out how to react, though, he pulls away as though burned, apologizing quickly and profusely, trying to stand and get away, nearly tripping over her feet.

It only takes seconds to decide on a course of action from there, and maybe she's gone insane—or the world around her has gone insane—but she's beyond caring about that now. She grabs Alec and kisses him back—harder than she intended, cutting off his clumsy, unwanted apology.

There's something painful about the noise that breaks free from Alec's throat and she's momentarily afraid that _she'd _been the one to press too hard, to go too far. But he slides his hand along her shoulders and up under her hair to the back of her head and kisses her just as hard as she kissed him and she knows she hasn't.

She'll probably be horrified at herself come morning, but it seems like her grief and other out-of-control emotions are as good at canceling out her inhibitions as alcohol would be. Part of her tells her stop while she's ahead. The rest of her says 'fuck it' as she tangles her fingers in Alec's curly hair and makes the decision to forget for a little while.

In the morning, she only experiences a few moments of her completely expected horror before a sleepy Alec rolls over and throws an arm around her. He cuddles up close and murmurs something in her ear that makes her stop thinking about all the consequences of this change in their relationship. It was something that she had known about him for a long time, but never acknowledged because it would have made their comfortable friendship awkward. Now she decides it's nothing to worry about and intertwines her fingers with his before falling back to sleep.


End file.
